Cheers
Captain Awesome
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When I recently told someone about this blog, she asked me: “Is it a travel blog?” I couldn’t really say yes, but the answer wasn’t really no, either. If I had to describe the primary “themes” of this blog to a new reader, I would probably say:
• Hotties
• My travels
• Hotties I’ve seen while travelling
• Television
• Musical and movie reviews
• Hotties in television, musicals and movies
• Random pictures of cute animals
Given the above themes, it is not surprising that I recently spent an 8-day vacation in Sydney, Australia. One would generally expect these kinds of photos from this trip:
I actually took this photo
This one too!
Stock beach footage from Bondi Rescue - all episodes are still on Youtube, since they promote water safety.
The musical Hairspray ended in Sydney two weeks ago, so I still haven't seen it live
This photo from rainbowtourismvietnam to promote Mardi Gras 2012
Readers may be surprised to discover that, while I did spend my week of vacation in Sydney, I spent a rather significant amount of it with a four and a two year old. Both boys, who will hereafter be referred to as Thing One and Thing Two (descriptions borrowed from Queen's graduate Leanne Shirleffe's Ironic Mom blog, which I do read regularly to remind me why I don't, and probably never will, have kids).
An odd choice, yes, but being stuck in Kiwiland for 15 months without a visit from family or friends has left me just a tad homesick. This past June, my previous manager / performance coach HD from The Other Place relocated to Sydney with J-Dog, Thing One and Thing Two, so I redirected my vacation from the Sunshine Coast to Sydney. I'm not really one to pass up the opportunity to catch up and share some laughs and immigration war stories with a familiar face.
Background
I think the situation needs a bit of setup. When I started full-time work in September 2007, this was the composition of the office I joined:
A circle means the employee in question or their spouse has had a child since September 2007. Two circles = two children. HD is the pink highlight, and Thing One is the oldest of these children, with his 4th birthday happening on or around September 2011. This diagram also shows why I may have been hired as part of an affirmative action program.
As I was in Sydney for a total of 8 days, there were lots of opportunities to do kid-friendly things. These included:
a) A trip to The Rocks for the Sunday Market
Outdoor market - mostly local arts and crafts to cater to the cruise ship crowd, which stops right outside.
b) Lunch at Pancakes on the Rocks
This is not a dish of ice cream. That's how much butter they gave us, in addition to maple syrup.
c) Tour of the Sydney Opera House (with HD only)
Classic shot of the approach from Circular Quay (pronounced "key").
The opera house tour got really funny / inappropriate in the middle. The Tour Guide wore a microphone, and we all wore little headsets, which let him speak quietly and let us hear perfectly. This was a big advantage because the Opera House crew still had to keep working and set up the Janet Jackson concert that was happening that night, and enabled multiple tour groups to be in the same room. Unfortunately, about mid-way through he comes out with:
Tour Guide, through microphone: "We better get going - there's still a lot to go and I'm not sure whether we're going to fit it all in."
Dustin: "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID." Unfortunately, I was standing close enough to the tour guide that this was projected over the microphone.
HD laughed, but the rest of the tour group did not seem amused. It was a perfect setup, I stand by it.
This is what the guides refer to as "the cleavage."
Overall, the tour was a bit disappointing. It was pricey, and most of the information you got has been on Pioneers of Construction and other Discovery-Channel fare that you might find about the Opera House. Given that tickets to a show start around $65 we'd have been better off actually going to something. However, I did check to see if Sir Ian McKellan was playing while i was there - he wasn't.
d) A trip to the Australian Museum (with Thing One only)
I didn't take many pictures in the museum - this is the park nearby
e) A car ride to the Blue Mountains
f) A trip to the zoo
The most exciting part of the zoo for Thing One and Thing Two? Not seals doing tricks, not exotic animals that will likely be extinct within their lifetimes. Stairs. And ramps. And ramps leading to stairs, which you can then run down. And the playground.
And with that lead-in, I will start the 8 Facts About Parenting I Didn't Know Before My Vacation.
1) The 2nd is easier than the first, but the total output required is still more than the first.
Let's assume that 50% of Thing One's attention requirements are fixed - things such as laundry, breakfast, and cleaning the house, and 50% are variable, such as dressing and sunscreen, diaper changes, etc.
Thing One = 50% fixed plus 50% Thing One variable
Thing One + Thing Two = 50% fixed plus 30% Thing One variable plus 50% Thing Two variable
Congratulations - you're now doing 30% more than you used to!
But if that's not bad enough . . . now you've got the added variable requirement of breaking up fights between Thing One and Thing Two, which can be anywhere from 10 to 40% of the supervision requirements. So, while Thing Two should be easier to deal with in isolation than Thing One, putting them together means you're doing anywhere between 40 and 70% more than you used to. And God forbid their naps aren't aligned to provide a much needed break during the day.
And you probably won't be able to film it for profit like Arrested Development, previously airing on Fox.
2) What happened yesterday has no impact on today, and history will be reinvented as needed.
If Thing One had the red cup yesterday (and sometimes even if it didn't), and you give the red cup to Thing Two today you've got this brewing:
From some random blog
The Things will decide what they were supposed to have and when, not consistency, logic, or reason. This provides a good case for putting names on everything they own.
3) The line between happy, quiet contentment and a full-out tantrum is a fine balance of sufficient food, naps, and luck. Which is why you should always carry juice boxes, snacks and maybe even candy when you leave the house.
4) What I want is what the other Thing has, because the other Thing has it
But I maintain that I wanted it first.
5) It takes a year for a child to ignore your voice. It takes two for you to tune out noise emitted by them. Strangers have neither luxury.
6) Babyproofing the house only happens once, because after that the idea of one fewer master ordering you about starts to sound pretty good.
This image from Parenting Fails, from the I Can Has Cheezburger Network.
Japenese baby gate company
7) Exotic landscapes 3km away are less exciting than puddles we can jump in that are 3 feet away. Or Hot Wheels.
The Hot Wheel in Thing One's left hand would plunge over the railing three minutes later, Thelma & Louise style.
8) Kids have selective mimicry.
Mastering the ability to count to ten takes years of practice and instruction. Repeating that 10-word string of curses that spewed from your mouth in traffic will be repeated, with perfect elocution, at the most inopportune moment. Always in public, and usually in a quiet environment.
9) Children are needy, desperate, fully dependent authoritarians which run your everyday life for the next 2-14 years (depending on your views towards boarding school).
But every now and then, something really sweet and simple happens that makes it all seem worth it.
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So, the next time you see a child acting up in public, your response shouldn't be "OMG will you SHUT that kid UP!"
It should be "somebody needs to get that mommy a drink."
Almost laughed myself into incontinence over this one. Cute! (The Ironic Mom blog is also awesome.) PS--I have a blogspot now too, so we can nag each other for updates.
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